First Sight

First Sight

    At first sight, I never saw it coming. You were just a pretty girl in my English class. The way your smile lit up the entire room with your cute dimples and your perfect teeth. Each tooth brighter than the next, all of them blindingly white and everything aligned so precisely, only someone who’s had braces would have such a perfect smile. Your big, dark, brown eyes made me think brown was my favorite color. The purple in your hair, I’d never had the courage to dye my hair different colors. You knew how to express yourself and your character held an aura about itself that seemed so sure and confident. You sat in the same row as me and I couldn’t help but look your way, holding my breath and hoping that you might just look my way too. I started sweating, anxiously second guessing myself. Do I look good today? Stop looking over there. She’s going to notice. I have no chance. We went around the room and said our names, I was dying to know what yours was. I didn’t remember anyone else’s actually, but Nancy was unforgettable. At once, class was over and we went our separate ways. I knew I could look forward to seeing you during our next class meeting time. I didn’t know what was coming, though. That you could make me feel things with an intensity that burns through my chest. That you could teach me what love really is and show it to me in a way I’ve never experienced it before. That living without you could make me hurt so bad I want to curl up in a ball and die. I never knew that I would love you through it all. I never knew that you would love me back.

    The first day of class I barely even noticed that my only friend in the class, Chloe, was gone. I was distracted, enthralled by this crush I had developed within a fifty-minute time span. The next class meeting Chloe and I sat down together and started talking before class started when you walked in and sat down right beside us. I was shocked. Does she want to be friends with me? Does she have a crush on me too?

    “This is Nancy,” Chloe said, “We’re in the same Literature class. Can she sit by us? She’s really cool.”

    “Of course,” I smile at you, and you smile back.

    We introduce ourselves and sit down, then the lecture begins. What are the odds that my only friend in the class is friends with my crush? Maybe I actually will get the chance to know her better.

    It got really hard for me to focus in that English class. I would wonder what you’re thinking or what you’re doing after class. I would wonder what your life is like and try to work up the courage to talk to you or look for any excuse to talk to you. Our conversations only happened in class and consisted of small talk and group discussions about reading, but that’s what college is. Nobody really talks to their classmates unless they get to know them outside of class. When you talked in class, I could tell you were very smart. You always knew exactly what to say about the readings and you sounded so intellectual.

    Being a lesbian is hard because you always assume people are straight. It’s hard to know if you can make a move or not, so to be safe you always befriend someone and get to know them before trying to flirt with them. I wanted to be your friend. One day after class, I finally went up to you and asked for your number. We started texting and one night when I was about to go out with my friends, you asked me to come over. I had to ditch my friends immediately. I was so excited and nervous. I packed my brownie mix and headed over to your place. I figured it would give us something to do, baking together. When I got there, we talked like two best friends for hours. We talked about our lives and our grueling college classes. You talked about Taylor Swift for at least an hour, telling me all the juicy gossip and flaunting your CD collection, declaring that you are certainly the biggest fan in the world. I told you stories about my wild party days and about my friends, how important they were to me. I somehow guessed your sun, moon, and rising zodiac signs two hours into us being together (Gemini, Sagittarius, Capricorn). I don’t know how I did it. Something about you was easy to read but a complete mystery at the same time. It surely was a mystery to me when you leaned in to kiss me. The whole time I thought we were getting along as really good friends, and then you took me by surprise. I felt like I was alive again. I’d been yearning for this for a month now, and it was actually happening. It wasn’t just some fantasy crush I had made up in my head, you were actually kissing me. Your lips were so perfect and your skin was so soft.

    I pulled away, “I’ve been waiting for this,” I say with the biggest smile on my face.

    You smile back and put your hands on my face, pulling me in again. Our brownies turned out really well, moist and savory.

    A couple of days later, we decided we’d walk to class together this time. Your place wasn’t far from mine, so I showed up at eight in the morning sharp per your request. I’ve never been a morning person and wouldn’t get up so early for anyone else, I insisted, but for you there I was on your doorstep with the sun shining in my face. You opened the door and the smell of pancakes, eggs, and bacon drifted out of the kitchen.

    You had a big, huge smile on your face, “Surprise!”

    I grin back at you and open my arms to pull you in, “What’s all this? You didn’t have to do this” I say before kissing you on your cheek.

    We walk in the door and start putting our plates of delicious breakfast foods together. “So, question, what if you did all this to find out I don’t like pancakes or bacon?” I ask. You stare at me wide eyed for a second and I start laughing. “Of course that’s hypothetical, who doesn’t like pancakes and bacon?”

    “Shit you got me for a second! You can’t joke like that I’m gullible!” You say as you begin to laugh with me, “At least now I know something new about you. That you like pancakes and bacon. I can’t wait to learn more new things about you.”

    We began to eat our food together while watching Friends on your TV. Afterwards I helped you clean up and we still had some time before our class at ten.

    We talked for a while when suddenly you asked me, “When did you know you were a lesbian?”

    “Well, I’ve known since I was about twelve, but I just pushed the thoughts away for a while. I didn’t even know what it meant to be a lesbian when I knew I was one. So, I acted straight like everybody else. My junior year of high school, I started talking to a girl and I knew it felt right. I came out to the people I was close to, and they accepted me for who I am.”

    “You’re lucky that people accepted you. I’ve always acted straight until I met you, so nobody knows about me. I’m scared to tell my family.”

    I hugged you. “I know it’s hard but just do it on your own time. I’m sure they’ll love you just the same.”

    You shrugged, “Yeah, I hope so. We better get to class.”

    It was a beautiful, sunny day. I remember thinking nothing could ruin this day as I walked by your side, holding your hand on the way to class. I used to dream about walking to class with you. As we got closer to campus, we saw a large crowd on the street corner so we decided to check out all of the commotion. At the center of attention stood proudly this disgusting little man in all his glory holding his big hateful sign. A huge list of sins plastered across the list with homosexuality being the main focal point. He pointed us out for holding hands and although the crowd was protesting him, he was clear that he was protesting us. We decided to kiss in front of him to make him more upset. We kept walking after that, we treated his hatred like a water tower. It would always be there but that didn’t mean we had to acknowledge it any more than a regular old water tower.

    You showed up to our first date with a bouquet of roses. I know that sounds cheesy, but I think roses are classically romantic and they’re my favorite flower. I don’t know if you knew that, but it meant a lot to me. It was fall, and as the leaves were changing colors we were headed to the pumpkin patch. Pumpkin patches are one of the best parts about fall. When we held hands in public for the first time, I felt nervous. Not only nervous because you were touching me, but nervous of what other people would think. We got weird looks from an older couple buying kettle corn near the entrance. Two girls holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes like they hold all the secrets to the world draws more attention than you’d think. As our relationship went on, the looks continued. People don’t like seeing something different, two girls in love.

    In love. The day you told me you loved me for the first time. It was winter, but I can’t help but think that summer is in your blood. You can’t help but become the sun. You made me feel like the sun was beating down on me in the middle of December. Half a bottle of Jack Daniels in your system, we sat on your bathroom floor together and I cried. We sat in silence; I didn’t know how to respond for a while before admitting that I loved you too. It’s scary to be in love, scary that it could be ripped away from you at once. It was scary the day we went on a walk and that creepy man followed us. Walks became our thing; we both shared a love for nature. I felt so free with you wandering around aimlessly at whatever park or trail we picked that day. But the day the creepy man followed us, I felt anything but free.

    At first sight, it was just a normal walk in the park. You held my hand like always, we stopped every once in a while to kiss and giggle with one another, and we were free to be us. It felt like we were the only two people in the world. We strolled along the empty path for about an hour before we even realized he was there.

    “Did you notice that guy behind us?” I asked you.

    “I didn’t, how long do you think he’s been there?” you said.

    We got nervous. “Do you think he saw us kiss?” I ask.

    You shrug your shoulders, “It’s okay, let’s just keep walking.”

    We turned off into a bike trail to try and lose him from the original path. We went down by the water and sat in the grass together letting the summer sun beat down on us. It was peaceful until we heard a rustle behind us and there he was, standing there. Gray-haired, tall, and full of himself.

    “You two are disgusting. I can’t believe you openly express your lifestyle like that in public, it’s disgraceful.”

    We sat in silence and disbelief. We had gotten looks before, but nobody had ever confronted us like this. He stood there for a second as we looked at him dumbfounded, and then he left. It was crushing, to be ridiculed just for loving. That was the day my eyes were opened to how much hate is really in the world. I’m glad he just left, though, he really could have hurt us.

    I’ve read about hate crimes in the news before, but I never imagined I would feel threatened myself with the same fate.

    At first sight, it was just a bar. Celebrating our one-year anniversary of being each other’s girlfriends, we decided to take a trip to Florida to get away together. We went to the beach. I buried you in the sand, we giggled together and got to enjoy the finer things in life with one another. Florida sunsets. The salt water in your hair. My sunburn that you helped me put aloe on. It was such a special trip. We had both just turned twenty-one, so we were excited to go to bars together. There was this neat gay bar that we had been looking at online, and on our last day of the trip we decided to go out.

    It was huge and filled with people just like us, it felt like a safe space. The bright colorful lights were nearly blinding and the club music nearly deafening. The drinks were strong, and the people were friendly. The smell of tequila stung my nose as I made my way through the sticky dance floor, my shoes getting stuck to the ground as I walked. They were all so welcoming, and one of the drag queens even bought us shots for our one-year anniversary. We were dancing the night away when I decided to get us some more drinks.

    “I’m thirsty!” I scream over the loud music into your ear, “Do you want another drink?”

    You pause your silly dance to nod your head and smile, pulling me in by my waist to kiss me. “Tequila sunrise!” you yell into my ear, “I’m going to stay here and dance if that’s okay!”

    I smile at you. Like the firecracker you are, of course you want to keep dancing. That’s my girl. I pull you in this time to kiss you and we part ways.

    As I’m walking away, I realize how crowded it is. I never think of things like that when I’m with you. We always feel like the only people in the room. This must be the place to be. I squeeze my way through the drunken crowd until I finally get up to the bar itself. I turn around and realize there’s so many people that I can’t even see you from here.

   “Two tequila sunrises please!” I’m forced to scream at the bartender over the pulsing club music.

    That’s when I heard the gunshots.

    I nearly peed my pants and fell to the ground immediately, hoping to hide behind the bar. The shots just kept going. After a few I rose to my feet, “Nancy!”, I kept calling for you. I didn’t see you anywhere and assumed that you ran away, so I turned towards the door to do the same. Bodies falling down all around me, the shots just kept going. One after another, I didn’t see the shooter, so I started running. I ran towards the door just kept running until I got across the street. I could still hear more gunshots from outside, so I called the police. Then I called you, I called you so many times. I called you at least twenty times. No answer. I started bawling. I’ve never been so scared in my life. The police started showing up in clusters until the whole street was flooded with red and blue lights. Ambulances came and filled any space leftover not being taken up by a police car. Other terrified club-goers kept running out of the building sporadically, none of them you. The shooter was still in the building with hostages, and eventually the SWAT team came. They detonated bombs to destroy the walls of the club and ended up driving through it with an armored vehicle. Fifty people dead and fifty-three injured. I kept waiting for you to run out, alive. Instead, they brought you out in a body bag. Pulse night club, 2016. One of the biggest mass shootings in history. You were the love of my life, and I lost you to hate.